How I came to look at my self: Four moral values to see where you stand

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A group contacts my wife

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and later on my wife
introduced me to them.

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They were called "Moral Rearmament"

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and I discovered that they were
an international organization

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speaking of peace and change.

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I used to go with a gun hidden
under my pant, here, you know

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and two bodyguards
waiting for me outside.

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And this is where I was saying
that for the first time I heard

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in the midst of the civil war
people speaking of peace,

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the spiritual peace
rather than the technical peace.

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They started asking me

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some questions that I found
bizarre at the beginning, like

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"you wanna change
everybody to resemble to you

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and to look like you
and to think like you

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but are you ready to change
the things in you ?

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Who said that you are perfect and
that everybody should be like you ?"

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Well I thought back then
that I was perfect you know.

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And this is ridiculous !

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But anyhow, so they said: " okay,

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you are free to think of yourself
what you are, what you want.

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We don't want to influence you

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but we suggest that you compare
your life to four moral values,

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and see where you stand".

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And these values were, as I said, four,

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which were honesty to
yourself, to the other,

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towards others and towards
God if you are a believer.

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The second one would be
purity, not only purity of flesh

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but also purity of your intentions,

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not sexual intentions
but intentions in general.

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I mean, do I deal with
you because

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I need something
from a relative of yours

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or because you're a human being
and I want both of us to communicate

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and benefit
from this relation.

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Then unselfishness the third criteria.

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And the fourth one which
is the most important one.

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And I think that it envelops
the first three, which is love.

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I did not think back then that I had
problems with any of those criteria

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until they suggested that I take
quiet times on a daily basis

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during which I would analyze

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or compare the way I'm living
or the situation I am in

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to these four moral values.

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And when I finish just
try to be ready to listen

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to what God may have to tell me.

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Of course not directly.

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I don't hear,
I never heard voices, apart from

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my son: " Assaad, you
should do this and that !"

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But it's a kind of antenna
that is directed

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towards the Creator and trying to guess

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what He has to say,
and you can know

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if it's coming from your head
or from, between brackets,

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"demon" or if it's coming from Him.

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All along my life until today

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sometimes I heard some
difficult things that I had

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or understood that I had
a lot of difficult things

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that I had to achieve
in my life, tough things,

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and these things I postponed
and postponed and run away from

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until I was convinced
that no there's no way

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to have a better path
to become a better person

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or to have a better world unless

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I went through these
difficult experiences.

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One of these experiences
was the decision that

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I had to look in the mirror

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and when I looked into this mirror
of myself I saw an ugly person.

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I almost did not recognize myself.

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You know I had done terrible things

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not only because of my wartime
activities but also on a personal level

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the way I dealt with people my ego,
a lot of sins, a lot of sayings

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and also on a national level.

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I mean the way I had lived
this war and what I had done

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during the war.

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So, I started this
long process of change.

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Of course a lot of bitterness,
a lot of shame,

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a lot of wanting to isolate
myself not to deal with anybody,

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wanting to run away
maybe from myself

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but I knew that this was the only
way to save what was left of me

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and to try to redeem
and repair what I had to,

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my mistakes, my sins,
my crimes, the whole set.

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So I started then, did not finish yet,

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along this path.