This is what forgiveness is not

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A lot of times when people
think about forgiving

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they are afraid of it

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because they are thinking
of what forgiveness is

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actually and they're thinking
of what it's not.

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Here's what forgiveness is not.

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Forgiveness is not excusing or
condoning what the other did.

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When you forgive you say
to yourself did was unjust.

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And it is unjust
and will always be unjust

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and I am not having this
response of goodness

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because I think what
you did is alright. No.

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The beauty of forgiveness

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the heroism of forgiveness
is offering this goodness

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knowing the other
was not good to you.

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Forgiveness is not condoning
or excusing.

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Forgiveness is not forgetting
what happened

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because if we forget we might be
vulnerable to the injustice again.

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When we forgive we
remember in new ways

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where when we think about the
person we're not filled with hatred.

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We're not filled with rage.

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Forgiveness is not the same
thing as reconciliation.

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It took us a while in our forgiveness
seminar to figure that out.

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Many people think that when we
talk forgiveness it means

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you have to go back into
the abuse of what is happening.

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So a typical response
in a partnering situation

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when someone has been abused,
they say, forgiveness?

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Why would you ask me to do
that to go back into the verbal

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or physical abuse all over again?
Why that's ridiculous.

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But to forgive is a virtue

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that starts within as an insight

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that it is good to be good to
those who aren't good to me.

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It is good to be merciful
and let that flow out

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to the other for good.

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Reconciliation is not a virtue.

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It is a negotiation strategy
of two or more people

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coming together again
in mutual trust.

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You can offer the virtue
of forgiveness to others

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without trusting them.

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You can offer the virtue
of forgiveness to others

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without reconciling with them.

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And you can't forgive.

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And this is the fourth point
of what forgiveness is not.

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You can't forgive and bring
justice alongside the forgiveness

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so that justice and forgiveness
grow up together.

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Many people think in what
I call either or terms.

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You either forgive or you seek
justice but you don't do both.

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Actually Socrates told us
millennia ago that

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when you practice any virtue,

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you always bring other virtues
along with your one virtue

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so it doesn't get out of balance.
When you forgive also seek justice.

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So what is forgiveness not?

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It is not excusing or condoning.

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It is not forgetting
but remembering in new ways.

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It does not necessarily
mean reconciliation although

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it could happen if the other
becomes trustworthy.

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And when you forgive,
you don't throw justice away.

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You bring it alongside

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so you can forgive
and offer respect to the other.

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You can offer love to the other

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but then ask something
of the other.

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Ask fairness of the other you see

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forgiveness is from a position
of strength, not weakness.